you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
