my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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