i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
