you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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