It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
So apparently I’m into choking now
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
