She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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