My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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