My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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