I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
