You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It's shark week go big or go home
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
