dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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