I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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