Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
