I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
