Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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