Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
