Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
