I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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