Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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