my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
