I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
