I think I won the penis lottery.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
