I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
