I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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