Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
