I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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