Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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