whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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