Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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