Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
BRING THE BAGELS
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
