I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
