I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
