I wish my penis had an off switch
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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