What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
