So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Less talking, more tequila
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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