sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
