Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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