I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
