Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
