i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
