did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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