I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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