my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
