He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
