ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
