Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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