She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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