Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
