6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
