why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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