He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
