We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
