I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
