he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
